Stop! Right now. You are your best self…whatever that means NOW…and ease up…please! I left it far too late to understand that I can make up my own mind on how to be. It’s been hard (very) at 75 but I am doing it. Finding courage to use MY voice! It’s taken me this long because I felt only worthy when I got approval…too long a tale to tell..but please, it’s time. To like you and bet on yourself. Xx
I feel like I’m just starting peri so I don’t have the full experience, but I think over the past few years I’ve realised that getting to know what I need is more important that aiming for my ‘best’. And it sounds as if you do know what you need but perhaps it’s never enough because you’re chasing ‘best’. I could very well be wrong so please take this as a suggestion 💛
No you’re right. I have this stupid idea that I must always be striving, that I am never enough & now I feel like I don’t even know my own thoughts anymore because I feel like everyone else knows better than I do.
I am sorry you are feeling this way - it sounds like you work very hard at all aspects of your life and are very hard on yourself. Would it be easier on yourself to step away from social media when these feelings happen?
I ask as a lot of what it sounds like you are saying is I should be doing x and y and for me these feelings come from comparing myself to others on social media. I would compare to everyone - the fitness 20 year olds, the gorgeous models, the homeschool mums doing it all. I needed to be the best type of every type of woman. Which ended up making me miserable and broke. I gave up all social media - well obvs still have substack ;) - and it made a massive difference. Out of sight out of mind!
I miss out on some positive stuff and am very out of the loop on whats trending. But I am also free of any comparison and feeling of what is expected of me. You can't do it all - have all the cylinders going. But most industries seem to make money be making you feel less than and then selling you a solution. Online you get hammered with so many problems.......and the commercalistaion of peri menopause is just awful. You have to do what you want to do. Might be missing the mark, and if I am, apologies. Hope you feel better soon.
I have given up social media many times but I’ve now got a very well curated feed so the comparission doesn’t happen very often. My problem is I am always reading- substack, news, websites- or listening to podcasts so there’s always information to take in. I also think I just don’t trust myself to know what’s good for me. I constantly think other people know better than me so believe that I should try all the things.
But honestly, I’ve been like this my whole life. I’ve never felt good enough & have always thought I needed to change myself to be better. It’s so tiring.
I find it very difficult to stop and rest and not feel guilty about it. Society demands that we juggle the most ridiculous things - wifedom, motherhood, looking after elderly parents, work/running a business, being beautiful (pfft…), being mindful, flossing every night, remembering to compost, trying not to doomscroll, and on top of all of that, sail through the unnavigable waters of menopause with a smile on our faces, as if we’re not collapsing from the inside.
It’s complete nonsense 😱
In Jane Austen’s day we’d be well-respected frumpy old women, and nothing more would have been expected of us.
Although I’m (still 🙄) clawing my way through peri, somehow in amongst the sheer mind-bending horror of it all it has strengthened me. I no longer give a 🤬 what anyone thinks.
My new book is all about this (it’s out in Jan). I think it’s incredibly helpful to know that our brains are hardwired to consume as much information as possible and because that endless info is now in the palm of our hands, our brains are essentially gorging. This is one reason why we feel overwhelmed but it also allows us to separate it from feeling guilty — it’s an instinctive behaviour, not so much a choice. But what you can choose is to have dedicated periods where you’re not consuming that info: walking, doing anything with your hands, gardening etc x
Thank you for telling me I don’t need to feel guilty because I really do feel like there’s something wrong with me.
Besides reading your book when it comes out, can you recommend any books around this topic? Or anything about dealing with stress & our nervous system?
I feel like I'm just consistently average across the board. Which isn't normally me. I have had those same two reels go round my friend group as well. We all seem to be in the same boat of middle aged-ness.
I took on a new role two weeks ago and I'm already regretting it a bit. Why didn't I stay comfortable in a role I knew I was good at?! I haven't taken this opportunity with both hands and run with it, like old meegan would have. It's a bit sad? A bit crazy? What was I even thinking?! I'm in a month I'll be fine but right now? I'm just not sure...
I've been hyper focusing so much on the health side of life for what seems like years now and I'm tired. Tired of talking about it. Tired of trying new solutions. Tired of listening to myself. Tired of advocating for myself.
You know I'm part a wonderful and supportive training group that I am enjoying 80% of the time, but even in that space, I am consistently average in my compliance. It's still better than what was. That's what keeps me going and will for a long time yet...
Being an almost middle-aged woman sucks a lot, at times.
However! We press on. We have to.
In more upbeat news, I am starting to use 'thank you, but no/not now' a bit more, and it's starting to free up brain space little by little. I don't care who is judgy or offended by my polite refusal. That's not my burden to carry. It's freeing!
My current theme for most things is : Done, but not always perfect.
That's enough for me these days.
And if people don't accept that then they can muck in and pick up some of the slack I just cannot at the moment.
So, I don't have any of the answers, but I hope you know you aren't alone in this phase of our lives. xx
Definitely felt this one. Am feeling confused and overwhelmed about how to balance my full time job with the new full time job of ‘succeeding’ at perimenopause. It’s added a new ‘thing to fail’ at to my life which is quite literally the last thing I need. I kind of feel like I’m falling for a marketing ploy…but don’t know how to not internalise the message anyway. Thanks for writing about it.
Stop! Right now. You are your best self…whatever that means NOW…and ease up…please! I left it far too late to understand that I can make up my own mind on how to be. It’s been hard (very) at 75 but I am doing it. Finding courage to use MY voice! It’s taken me this long because I felt only worthy when I got approval…too long a tale to tell..but please, it’s time. To like you and bet on yourself. Xx
Oh Denyse, I want to be like you!
It's been HARD work but it would be lovely for you to try it out! Much love D xx
been pondering this all day Reannon.
I think Denyse and Jodi are onto something.
I have found reducing the inputs into my life, only taking advice from one or two whose expertise or experience i value has helped with the confusion.
I don’t know why I fee the need to input so much into my head, it’s like I don’t trust myself or can’t stand to be with my own thoughts anymore.
Might be worth exploring
I feel like I’m just starting peri so I don’t have the full experience, but I think over the past few years I’ve realised that getting to know what I need is more important that aiming for my ‘best’. And it sounds as if you do know what you need but perhaps it’s never enough because you’re chasing ‘best’. I could very well be wrong so please take this as a suggestion 💛
No you’re right. I have this stupid idea that I must always be striving, that I am never enough & now I feel like I don’t even know my own thoughts anymore because I feel like everyone else knows better than I do.
I am sorry you are feeling this way - it sounds like you work very hard at all aspects of your life and are very hard on yourself. Would it be easier on yourself to step away from social media when these feelings happen?
I ask as a lot of what it sounds like you are saying is I should be doing x and y and for me these feelings come from comparing myself to others on social media. I would compare to everyone - the fitness 20 year olds, the gorgeous models, the homeschool mums doing it all. I needed to be the best type of every type of woman. Which ended up making me miserable and broke. I gave up all social media - well obvs still have substack ;) - and it made a massive difference. Out of sight out of mind!
I miss out on some positive stuff and am very out of the loop on whats trending. But I am also free of any comparison and feeling of what is expected of me. You can't do it all - have all the cylinders going. But most industries seem to make money be making you feel less than and then selling you a solution. Online you get hammered with so many problems.......and the commercalistaion of peri menopause is just awful. You have to do what you want to do. Might be missing the mark, and if I am, apologies. Hope you feel better soon.
I have given up social media many times but I’ve now got a very well curated feed so the comparission doesn’t happen very often. My problem is I am always reading- substack, news, websites- or listening to podcasts so there’s always information to take in. I also think I just don’t trust myself to know what’s good for me. I constantly think other people know better than me so believe that I should try all the things.
But honestly, I’ve been like this my whole life. I’ve never felt good enough & have always thought I needed to change myself to be better. It’s so tiring.
yes yes yes, leaving social media has been the best thing for me. I even avoid the notes on here for that very reason
Same, i get addicted to everything so easier to cut it all!
I’m definitely in the same crappy boat as you.
I find it very difficult to stop and rest and not feel guilty about it. Society demands that we juggle the most ridiculous things - wifedom, motherhood, looking after elderly parents, work/running a business, being beautiful (pfft…), being mindful, flossing every night, remembering to compost, trying not to doomscroll, and on top of all of that, sail through the unnavigable waters of menopause with a smile on our faces, as if we’re not collapsing from the inside.
It’s complete nonsense 😱
In Jane Austen’s day we’d be well-respected frumpy old women, and nothing more would have been expected of us.
Although I’m (still 🙄) clawing my way through peri, somehow in amongst the sheer mind-bending horror of it all it has strengthened me. I no longer give a 🤬 what anyone thinks.
Do what nourishes you.
Hang out with beautiful souls.
Eat good food.
Write about how you’re feeling.
Hug your friends.
This too shall pass 💕
That’s good advice Maggie x
I think there is just too much noise these days…how can we possibly hear ourselves think? Xx
I agree & I am the problem because I am always reading or listening!
Me too R xx
My new book is all about this (it’s out in Jan). I think it’s incredibly helpful to know that our brains are hardwired to consume as much information as possible and because that endless info is now in the palm of our hands, our brains are essentially gorging. This is one reason why we feel overwhelmed but it also allows us to separate it from feeling guilty — it’s an instinctive behaviour, not so much a choice. But what you can choose is to have dedicated periods where you’re not consuming that info: walking, doing anything with your hands, gardening etc x
Thank you for telling me I don’t need to feel guilty because I really do feel like there’s something wrong with me.
Besides reading your book when it comes out, can you recommend any books around this topic? Or anything about dealing with stress & our nervous system?
So helpful to know this. Thank you Jodi xx
I don't know what to tell you, my friend.
I feel like I'm just consistently average across the board. Which isn't normally me. I have had those same two reels go round my friend group as well. We all seem to be in the same boat of middle aged-ness.
I took on a new role two weeks ago and I'm already regretting it a bit. Why didn't I stay comfortable in a role I knew I was good at?! I haven't taken this opportunity with both hands and run with it, like old meegan would have. It's a bit sad? A bit crazy? What was I even thinking?! I'm in a month I'll be fine but right now? I'm just not sure...
I've been hyper focusing so much on the health side of life for what seems like years now and I'm tired. Tired of talking about it. Tired of trying new solutions. Tired of listening to myself. Tired of advocating for myself.
You know I'm part a wonderful and supportive training group that I am enjoying 80% of the time, but even in that space, I am consistently average in my compliance. It's still better than what was. That's what keeps me going and will for a long time yet...
Being an almost middle-aged woman sucks a lot, at times.
However! We press on. We have to.
In more upbeat news, I am starting to use 'thank you, but no/not now' a bit more, and it's starting to free up brain space little by little. I don't care who is judgy or offended by my polite refusal. That's not my burden to carry. It's freeing!
My current theme for most things is : Done, but not always perfect.
That's enough for me these days.
And if people don't accept that then they can muck in and pick up some of the slack I just cannot at the moment.
So, I don't have any of the answers, but I hope you know you aren't alone in this phase of our lives. xx
Thanks you for sharing all of that. It does help to know I’m not the only one who has these thoughts & feelings xx
Have you ever read 'What if all i want is a mediocre life' by Krysta from A Life in Progress. It really helped me.
Adding this to my to read list!
It rings a bell….maybe I need a re-read.
Definitely felt this one. Am feeling confused and overwhelmed about how to balance my full time job with the new full time job of ‘succeeding’ at perimenopause. It’s added a new ‘thing to fail’ at to my life which is quite literally the last thing I need. I kind of feel like I’m falling for a marketing ploy…but don’t know how to not internalise the message anyway. Thanks for writing about it.
So much marketing!!!! I don’t know what to ignore & what to listen to anymore. It’s as though I’ve lost all sense & am falling for everything!