Turning 46. Starting HRT & Epiphanies.

A Little life update

Photo by Sebastian Unrau on Unsplash

Hello friends! Today I am 46. It’s a nothing age and I am not one to make a big deal about my birthday. I like to acknowledge it and show gratitude for ageing but that is all. I was on the phone with my eldest son, who turned 25 two weeks ago, and I asked him if he knew how old I was and he said “ I don’t know, 36 or 38?”. Dude. You are 25!!!! When he found out my actual age he was shocked, 46 seems old to him but I feel no older than I did at 27 or 30.

In my last post, I was not OK. I was having a very hard time but I am pleased to say that when I went to see my GP I walked out with a script for HRT. He did try to convince me that the contraceptive pill would be good but I said no, we’ve done that before and I was no better. So I started HRT two and a half weeks ago and it has made a big difference to my mental state, my energy levels and my sleep.

It wasn’t until the weekend just gone that I felt things properly shift. My sleep got better after a few days of starting HRT but my energy and mood were still quite low. By Sunday I realised that I felt like my proper self, more like how I felt before Peri entered the building and that made me SO happy!

HRT isn’t a magic pill, it’s not as though I am suddenly happy all the time, have energy to burn and am this calm, soft, loving creature. I am still me. I still get mad and frustrated, just not as quickly or with everything. I am not crying all the time or angry all the time, which is lovely. Better sleep has helped with the energy levels. I’m not waking ten times a night, maybe only 4, but my sleep feels deeper and more restorative. It feels as though I have the mental capacity, as well as the physical capacity, to take on all the things I need to. That feels nice.

I’m back to see my GP in a few weeks so we can discuss how it’s going and if I want to stick with it. So far it’s a big fat YES!

I have been trying to make adjustments to my life as well and the other day I watched my friend Elinore’s reel on Instagram (I am dipping my toes back in!) and something clicked inside of me. I realised that some people, like my friend Elinore, are better at seeing and looking for the everyday magic of life than I am. I think my OG fave online writer pip Lincoln is like this too. And a new to me Youtuber, Wedny of The Unexpected gypsy seems to be one of these people too. Eliore’s reel was lots of tiny snippets of her life- flowers, rain, her daughter walking through a creek, a shop-bought cake- and I thought wow, I have been in survival mode for so long now and have spent so much of my time numbing myself that I have forgotten to look for these things. Like, I know life is about the small stuff but I think because of the stress I’ve been under and all the peri BS I had just been getting through the days, looking forward to the time when nobody needed me or spoke to me and I could zone out on my games or pimple videos instead of being engaged with my life.

And doing that is OK, it’s what I needed and really all I have been capable of for some time now. I had stopped looking forward to things, stopped wanting to be out of my house and stopped engaging with the world in any meaningful way. Elinore’s little reel made me realise all this!

So now I am trying to re-engage with things. I am a supreme homebody and so much of my paid job is being out and about in the community so I enjoy time alone at home but maybe I need to push myself a little.

I began journaling about all the things I’d like to add to my days, routines and things that I can do to help myself feel better and more connected to the world. Funnily, none of them are socialising. I am very happy with my three IRL friends who I see sporadically and the friends I have that I connect with via text, Whatsapp or online. What I want to do is look up more, and pay attention to the spaces I am in. I want to write more and get back to doing things with my hands. I want to take more photos and possibly begin to share on Instagram again……

I am also practising reframing things that annoy the shit out of me. Most of these things are hard to talk about online because they feel so private but let’s be real, only a handful of people read this letter I write, it’s not like I have a big audience. So I’ll share this- some issues I have had in my marriage (let me say, long-term relationships are hard work) I have been able to let go simply by reframing the way I look at it. The same with the way I parent. My soon-to-be 11-year-old daughter is autistic and there are times (many, many, MANY times!) I get frustrated with her inability to do certain things for herself but I have been able to say to myself “This is what she needs from you so you just have to do it”. I will say that working with autistic people and coming home to autistic people can be draining. The people I work with get the best of me because that’s what they pay me for which meant my poor family was getting the worst of me. I am trying to do better for them because when I am better for them it’s also better for me.

Possibly I am finally finding my way back to myself. The heaviness and cloudiness that has hung over me feel as though it is ever so slightly shifting away. I love that I can feel and see the shift within myself. Thank fuck!!!

So that’s where I am on my 46th birthday. I am going out to dinner with Tim and my youngest kids who are bringing along some of their friends. Tomorrow after work I am getting on a plane with the youngest two to head to Melbourne for 9 days to hang out with Isaac, my second-born and his girlfriend. I’ve never been before so I am excited (mostly for the food!). See you at the end of the month!

Talk soon xx