The Never-Ending Cycle
The one where I finally admit the thing I never wanted to feel again
Hey friends. I wasn’t going to talk about this but then, as stupid as it sounds, I always want to be my whole self here. I keep stuff to myself that isn’t entirely about me but when it comes to me, I’m an open book. So before I begin I want to say that if body image talk, weight gain, weight loss and all that shit ain’t for you (or you’re sick to death of hearing me bang on about it), click away and I’ll see you next time.
I need to write this out and to talk about it to my real life peeps because I feel like a bloody failure. I failed to stick to diets. I failed to maintain my weight when I stopped dieting. I failed to feel ok in my larger body. I’m one big failure.
The thing is, I don’t HATE my body. My body is fine. It does (mostly) what it needs to. But I am not comfortable in this body. I don’t move easily in this body. My stomach feels uncomfortable in anything I wear that goes around my waist and it is in the way all the time, especially when I’m doing yoga or Pilates, or even trying to tie my shoes! My thighs rub together all the damn time and all my pants have pilling on the inside of the legs from this. I don’t like the feel of my back rolls when I am sitting down. I don’t enjoy looking at my round face, I don’t look like me to me. I still don’t really know how to dress this body in a way that feels good and looks good to me. And even my bigger boobs annoy me when they rub against the inside of my arms when I walk
I think it’s almost 2 years since I stepped away from WW and more than 18months since I stopped weighing myself. I don’t need the scales to tell me I’ve gained weight. I can feel and see it all over my body. Shit, I’ve even gone up a size in shoes and had to stop wearing a ring I’ve worn for my than 2 decades because it was no longer comfortable.
As someone who is actively against diet culture and the idea that you are only your best self if you are your smallest self it has taken me weeks, maybe even months, to admit to myself that I don’t feel good at this weight (whatever it is because I still don’t know). I don’t want to diet or restrict food or count points or calories. I don’t want to move my body in an effort to change it. I want to eat whatever I want when I want and I want to move my body because I like to. I’m scared to admit I want to lose weight because I know my history, I know how I can get. And I’m scared people will think I’m anti feminist or a liar because of what past me has said.
But I also don’t want this body anymore. So it’s up to me to do something about it.
I know if spoke to my GP about this he’d ask me again if I want to see an ED therapist, and maybe I should, but with everything else going on in my life I am not in a therapy mindset. I am in a “I see something I want to change so I’ll change it” mindset.
In the same way I decided that my working fridge is no longer working in a way that makes my life easier, I’m deciding that my body no longer feels the way I want it to feel. So I’m changing it.
So friends, I’ll warn you now, there may be some more chat about how I’m going with this in the future because I only know how to talk about what’s happening with me in the moment, about the stuff that’s swirling in my head and heart. Smart writers say “write from a scar not a wound” but I’m not a smart writer. It’s all wound writing round here.
Talk soon xx
You aren’t the only one, I think our generation has a huge issue with this internal struggle to be thin, not necessarily healthy (hello 80’s and 90’s media).
It’s the back fat and uncomfortableness that finally pushed me over the edge to seek help and support and a different (and better for me) way of gaining back myself in a body that suited me better and functioned for me much better!
I am now finding consistency is much better than perfectionism. I know, I’m late to the party 😂
But it’s working and slowly. But steadily. That’s what has made the world of difference for me and my brain.
I hope you can find that too xxxx
there is nothing wrong with admitting your discomfort with your body as it is, nor is there anything wrong with doing things to change it. This is about how you feel, not what you think you should look like, or should do, there is a huge difference. i dont think body acceptance is about ignoring those feelings. i wish you well in this and hope you can find a safe way for you to make these changes and find yourself in a body that fits right for you.