Parental Burnout

I don't like myself for feeling like this but it is true, I'm sick of being a parent

Photo by Henry Be on Unsplash

Friends, I am so burnt out with parenting. I’ve been actively parenting for 25 years as of next week. I know you never stop parenting but there does come a time when you aren’t actively parenting each day. I think it was around year 12 that my eldest boys took control of their daily lives & just informed me of what was happening. Of course, they still lived at home so I was still parenting but it’s not the same as parenting toddlers or as I am now, tweens. Tweens are hard man. There are so many changes during these years & I won’t lie, it’s not my favourite. I really enjoy parenting toddlers and from about the ages of 15-16 onwards. I like babies too, but I am not my best parenting self from the ages of about 7-13. And if we are honest with ourselves we all have a stage or age where we parent our best. We feel like we are in our groove and it’s a really enjoyable time. Tweens is not my time.

Parental burnout is not ideal at any stage but right now I am parenting a (almost) 12-year-old with DLD who has just begun high school and has some other undiagnosed stuff we need to sort out and an autistic (almost) 11-year-old who needs her own theme music every time she walks in the room so I can be prepared for what mood she is in- hormones are AMPING UP!!!!

Let’s throw in the fact I have been parenting since two weeks before I turned 21 and I am turning 46 next year, I am 5 years into perimenopause, the fact that we have lived on the other side of the country from our families for 18 years and the absolute shitshow that has consumed our family for the last few years and I feel as though I want to tap out. I’m done guys, I need a break. I’m so over it.

And yes, I have a husband and he parents too but I am the main parent for 3 out of 4 of our kids. Even if you are a two-parent household, every family has a main parent. The main parent is the default for all the things. The kids will walk passed the other parent to ask the main parent something they could have asked the parent they just walked by! My husband has tried to be the main parent for the ones who come to me first but they are all “Thanks Dad but I want Mum”. God, it’s so hard being popular!!!

I always planned to have kids before I was 30 and when we ended up having 2 kids before I was 24 I was all “yeah, we’ll be done hands-on parenting by our early 40s !!! We’ll be young enough to go have adventures on our own”. But friends, we fucked up our family planning. We went and had 2 more kids when I was 34 and 35. Our active parenting years just skyrocketed!!! Instead of our youngest turning 18 when I was 42 I will now be 53!!!! And I am tired now.

The really shitty part of parenting burnout is that I don’t feel like my youngest kids are getting the best of me. My oldest kids got a younger version of me, one filled with energy and enthusiasm, the one who had a tiny mortgage and did the majority of her parenting without anxiety. These younger two get a me that is tired, older, crankier, has a bigger mortgage and has anxiety and menopausal depression she has to treat with medication. They get the version of me that is also still actively parenting one of their older siblings due to that older sibling not always making his (or our) lives easy. It is not ideal.

I’m going to say this and people might get mad but it’s how I feel- parenting neurodiverse kids is VERY HARD!!!! It is tiring and mentally draining every day. The mental load of being a parent of an autistic kid, a kid with learning difficulties, undiagnosed ADHD, and kids with mental health issues is a lot heavier. It just is. And I know that because I have one neurotypical kid so I know the difference.

I don’t know how to get out of this burnout phase because you cannot actually take a break from parenting. I can go away from my children but I cannot get away from the stress, the worry, the decision-making, and the heart-aching love that I have for them. I not only love my kids, I like them too and because I have been a mum my entire adult life I feel weird when I am away from them for more than a few days. I miss them.

The thing that brings me the most pleasure in life is also the thing that is draining me the most too. Make it make sense!!!!

There are no answers, I know this, I just wanted to put words to these feelings because I feel like a monster saying in my head “Urgh, I don’t want to be a parent today” and we all know shame can’t thrive in the light. So this is me pushing my shame into the light hoping that I’ll feel lighter by doing it.

Finally, I know the days are long and the years are short. That’s one of the biggest gifts having kids with a massive gap taught me. Time really does fly and I have been able to relish moments with the younger ones knowing they are moving from one stage to another that maybe I missed or did not pay enough attention to. I am aware of how lucky I am to have kids. I’ve had 3 miscarriages and am aware of that longing to hold a baby in your arms. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.

Talk soon xx