Control Freak
How do you feel safe when things are out of your control?
Hey friends. Here’s the thing, the thing I often allude to but never speak out loud- someone I love deeply has awful mental health and drug issues. These two things impact them, and the lives of those who love them, almost daily. As you can imagine it is horrible, heartbreaking, stressful and at times, anger-inducing to love someone like this. It is also completely out of my control. And it is all-consuming.
As a firstborn of six kids, my instinct is always to step in and help, fix the problem, or take over. Wrongly or rightly that has been my role in my birth family forever. I also come from a chaotic household so control feels good to me. Control is safety. But in the case of my loved one, I have zero control. I cannot control their choices, their desires, their actions. And that my friends, is very hard.
So while we are in the depths of another situation and while we love and support our person I can’t help but want to cling to any control I can. I can feel my mind frantically swinging around looking for anything to grab onto and bring order to. Usually, this is when my eating disorders rear their head but aside from bingeing licorice ( Black Knight to be precise), those disordered thoughts are staying away. Thank god for small mercies.
What I am looking to order is other parts of my life. I made some lists on my phone last week- life admin, home, repairs, and meal prep. Even just typing the lists, and seeing things all in a row made me feel calmer. I’ve ticked 7 things off in a week so that’s something.
I’m looking for things to change, something new to start or even something to put my energy into even though I feel like I have zero energy to give anything. Friends, on Sunday I did not wake up until 10.15 am!!! I got up, did the groceries, had lunch and went to lie down to read at 2.30 pm only to wake up at 4.30 pm!!! I couldn’t even bring myself to stay awake to watch the F1 later that night and was back in bed at 930pm. I am mentally and physically exhausted yet I feel as though I need to get the unease/restlessness/anger/SOMETHING out of my body.
I’ve been daydreaming of taking up boxing, becoming a runner or even one of those people who deadlifts. It feels like I need to push my body so far beyond its comfort zone just so I can feel properly drained but also in control. Does that make sense?
Today, as I vacuumed the house, I thought of all the ways I could rearrange rooms or what new furniture I could buy to make a room work better. The gardens are full of weeds, that’s something I could control. But in the end, I do none of these things. Well, let’s say I haven’t done any YET. Because I know myself well enough to know that I won’t start to feel OK until I have something, ANYTHING under control.
And let's be honest control is nothing but a figment of my imagination I can't control my body, there’s so many other factors that also control that. I can semi-control my home but my budget, time constraints and family also have input. Nature is mostly in control of my garden but I can try harder to gain some control there. The one thing I can control in my loved one’s life is how much love and support I give them. And I’ll have to be ok with that.
How do you react in situations where you have no control? Do you reach for control in other places? Or are you a go-with-the-flow, let-the-cards-fall-where-they-may kind of person? Last question, as someone who only does gentle exercise sporadically, do you think some sweat-inducing, can’t think of anything else at the moment kind of exercise will help me? Or am I reaching?
Talk soon xx
Absolute control freak over here.
However I also acknowledge that obviously there are things in life we cannot control. So when I am in a time of non-control over a big issue, I just make sure I focus on the things I can control (my own household, my normal everyday routine, my work, my reading, all the things that keep me grounded).
My mum has dementia. It is horrible. Its scary and its bloody sad. I lost my father nearly 4 yrs ago so us kids (with our own young families) are trying to navigate this new world. Totally out of my control. I have my moments but I just try to keep that routine for myself that I can control & try to just navigate my mum one day at a time.
I walk - a lot. Headphones blasting with a good poddy or music. Just by myself. Fresh air & alone time to get on top of the emotions & bring me back down. I also do a few gym classes a week that I love - I can go, sweat, be told what to do by the trainer and be around others that really dont know anything about my life and my struggles and I can just another gym member. Its good for the soul.
Biggest of hugs to you xx
I can relate I’ve been going to an outdoors exercise class for around 8 months now. It’s a bunch of ladies all ages and sizes sweating and having a laugh. It’s a quick session around 30 mins 4 times a week. Each one is different today we did a circuit some weights, squats, stretch etc. I think the fact that it’s 30 mins after I finish work is an advantage otherwise I’d get home and start doing stuff or feel tired and not go. My kids often come to when Hubbie is working. My kids did laugh at me today as I shoved chocolate in my mouth on the way to class. I’m feeling stronger physically and mentally amongst the craziness of perimenopause and work the biggest thing for me is we turn up and just give it a go. Try it out find some like minded people the thought of a gym just freaks me out maybe even get a few friends together to go walking and talking if it ends at a cafe even better. Nothing is prepared for dinner tonight so we are having cereal and that’s ok too 💗