May 2025

recalibrating & my 6th midlife crisis

Hey friends! I said I was going to try to do monthly check-ins all year, but this month, instead of doing my usual list, I’m just going to download everything that has been on my mind this month with a few tidbits about life in general. If you’re not in for a long, rambling read, I’d skip this one.

So May…. Perth got its two weeks of autumn before swiftly entering winter. We got some stellar sunsets during those two weeks. Now the morning and nights are cold, the fire is on and I am asking ChatGPT to make meal plans full of slow cooker meals that don’t suck.

May also saw my period return. I was SO close to being halfway to menopause, 154 without a period, and then back she comes. I am angry because I want this nonsense to be over.

This month, we got some bad news, which kind of knocked me down for a few days. It’s really hard when things are out of your hands, so you try not to get your hopes up, but there is always a glimmer of hope, and then that glimmer gets extinguished. I cried and raged, and now I just have to accept how things are. Gutted.

I have spent a lot of time thinking. Thinking about my health, my routines, my body, my face, my beliefs, my age, about what I can and can’t do. What I have realised is this-

I have hated my body for almost 30 years, and I am tired of it, but right now, the hate I feel for my body is a lot, and I cannot make it stop.

I do not trust myself to know what is good for me.

I think everyone else knows better than I do.

I overwhelm myself with knowledge, hoping to find something that sticks, but guess what? Nothing ever sticks for long, and so I feel like a failure.

I cannot do all the things I feel I am supposed to be doing all the time. I have to learn to let some things slide some of the time.

(This one is embarrassing.) I have always been an OK looking person with an OK body. Never the prettiest or best body, but OK. I am no longer an OK looking woman. I am overweight and not ageing well. I didn’t realise how much my physical appearance mattered to me and I hate that it did. It makes me feel shallow.

While listening to a podcast the other day, one of the hosts said “ now that I am 41”, and I thought “oh, she’s my age” but friends, I’m 46! Suddenly I realised- I am SO close to 50!!!! In my head I am either 23 or 27, never 46.

I either feed my emotions or try to smother them by buying something or starting something new.

So much thinking and trying to sort myself out!

Honestly, I had hoped by this age that I would have left all my body and food hang-ups behind. I had hoped to feel settled and confident in myself. But I don’t. I have phases of feeling like that, but they never last. I feel like I have rolled from one midlife crisis to another since turning 40. I'm tired of it all.

I’m going to stop trying to hit specific protein and calorie targets and tracking all my food because it’s too much. I know all of those things are helpful, but it’s hard and I don’t feel like I can do hard at this moment. I just want to feel good and have a body that functions properly!

I’ve tried to prioritise managing my stress levels and staying on top of my digestion issues. I think I’ve done an OK job of that. I’ve reintroduced my weights workouts but instead of pushing for 3 even when I don’t feel like it, I tell myself that one is perfectly fine, two is great and if I get 3 done well that’s just lovely.

My sleep has gotten better (except when I stay up late watching all the F1 events!), so I am going to keep taking melatonin and doing my silly little breathing exercise at night.

And now that the weather is (finally) cooling down, I am going to use it as an excuse to slow down. I need slower days, more pottering about at home and going for walks in the crisp air while theskies are still blue and clear.

Jodi, from Practising Simplicity, shared this note the other week and it felt like it was written just for me so I copied it to my phone so I could keep coming back to it.

As May comes to an end, I don’t feel like I have any real answers for myself. I know that therapy might help but I get sick of being the person who needs therapy all the damn time. How I wish I were a balanced person with no hang-ups!

Oh, I went and had my hair done and, for the first time in my entire life, I had straight hair! I left it like this for 3 days, and it looked the same every day!!! That NEVER happens with curly hair. All my family were shocked and very unsure if they liked it. My son in Melbourne FaceTimed just to check that the photo I sent him wasn’t AI LOL I think I’m liking the blonde colour too

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Just quickly, I read and loved Holly Wainwright’s new book, He Would Never. Very different to her other ones, more Liane Moriarty/SallyHepworth/Jane Harper vibes

These are my three favourite songs right now-

I’ve also been listening to Alexandra Potter’s Nell Stevens series, which is an easy and fun listen.

I’ve been making smoothies for breakfast. I base mine on the one Dr Mary Claire shares below. I shared mine on Insta last week because it’s been my “decide once” for the last few weeks and I can make it at 730am and drink it until I start work at 9am.

drmaryclaire

A post shared by @drmaryclaire

Watching nothing but the F1 every weekend. It doesn’t matter how many good movie or TV shows I hear about, I just never make the time for them.

Ok, that’s it for May. I’m going to send this out now because we are away this weekend for a big motocross event. It’s supposed to be freezing cold and raining- so fun!!!

Talk soon xx

P.S I’m done proofreading my posts. Once I’ve written it all out, I don’t want to read it. I hope they may sense.