I'm The Problem

The one about when the going gets tough, I'm the one to get going.

Hey friends. It’s a warm, sun-filled spring day here but my days have been less than bright. We are going through some big stuff around here (no deaths, serious disease or divorce, just tricky to talk about in-depth here) and it might surprise you to hear that when things get bad I turn away from people. Weird right? Because I am an open book and this meme sums me up to a tee

I have spent years writing about my internal thoughts and feelings on the internet but in real life, I turn away from people. Right now I don’t want to be around anyone but my immediate family. I don’t want to be out of my house. I don’t want to talk to people on the phone. I don’t want to read about people’s lives on the internet. All I want to do is go to work and come home. But because I’m a grown arse adult with a family I have to do school and sports things, I have to run errands and go to the shops to buy (or collect when I am not feeling it) food. I have to keep life going because I have young kids who aren’t across all the things happening.

I talk to my friends via text messages but refuse invites for catch-ups because as awful as it is, I literally cannot hear about people’s lives right now. I can’t hear how great things are for you. I don’t want to know your good news. I don’t want to listen to you tell me about how great your kids are doing. Because it’s too fucking hard to know that while one part of my life is falling to pieces, everyone else is just going on as normal.

Does that make me shit friend? Maybe. But for now, I just can’t. I can’t be the friend my friends deserve. So I shut off. And because they are great, they let me be. Of course, I am not wishing the bad things were happening to them, I love that everyone I love lives are going swimmingly. I just can’t talk to them about it now. So yes, I’m the problem. I’m a big brat. I am selfish.

My sister keeps offering to fly here just so she can hug me but I tell her there is no need. I am fine. And truly, most of the time I am. But I am more fine the less I have to deal with people.

I spend some of my free time engaging with two Facebook groups. One is filled with people who are going through or have gone through, similar things. When I have questions, they have answers. The other is for women doing this fat loss program I am starting later this month. Again, it’s not overly personal but has a focus and everyone is there for the same reason, the gain or share information about nutrition and movement. It’s easy to be there.

Other times I watch mindless TV ( The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives kept me going all weekend), shows that are predictable and light or my very favourite mind-numbing pastime-pimple videos. Oh, how those videos soothe my brain. The other thing that takes my mind away is searching for things like “high protein plant foods” or watching chicken shop dates on YouTube.

I can’t do personal right now. I can’t do real-life stuff or people. My substack feed sits unread because even strangers’ lives are hard to read about right now. I can only be in my bubble. Is this a problem? Not for me it’s not. It’s what I need for now.

We are heading away for a few weeks soon and I CANNOT wait to escape my day-to-day life! My mum is coming to house and pet sit for us so I don’t need to worry about any of that. We have some great places lined up to stay in, some by the beach, some in the bush and my plan is to be as chill as possible. Books. Card games. Teaching my daughter to do a handstand (I’ve literally been teaching her to do this for YEARS but she has yet to master it). Walks along the beach. Easy dinners. A few days on the side of a motocross track because yes, we are spending some of the time away racing.

So, friends, I may be absent from my little space for a few weeks while I holiday and I may be absent from reading, commenting and liking your Substacks too but I will be back. And when I am I will be ready to hear all about the good things going on in your life. Bubble life is fine for a while but not forever.

Talk soon xx

P.S. I am not depressed. I take my medication daily. I do not need therapy (love therapy, just not now). This is not that. This is just life throwing me too many curveballs so now I am dizzy and sick from spinning.