False Spring. Reorder. Shitty Parenting Times. Sourdough Love.

Friends, I felt myself slipping today, slipping back towards the rut that consumed me a few weeks ago. I know why I started to slip. I’m not doing things that make me feel my best. I’m doing things that are no good for me. And parenting my daughter makes me feel like I am failing all day, every day. It’s exhausting.

I find it hard to know how much to share about the details of my family life. If you sat at my kitchen table, I’d tell you everything, but as much as I like to imagine that this space is like chatting over my back fence, I know it’s not. But here’s the thing, I find parenting incredibly hard a lot of the time. I don’t have “easy” kids. I have kids with irks & quirks, whose brains work differently to other people’s, who deal with mental health struggles & all manner of other things. And that does not make for easy parenting.

Currently I have 2 kids at home. They are 12 & 13. They are our second-act kids, the littles, as I call them. I’ve already raised two kids into adulthood; I’ve been here before, but when our bigs were this age, I was not a perimenopausal woman with 26 years of active parenting under my belt. I’m tired. And moody.

I’ve never had a teen daughter before. I’ve never had an autistic daughter before. I find it hard to untangle the hormones from the neurodivergence. I find it hard not to take her moods & attitude personally.

Some might disagree, but for me, raising boys & girls is different. My big boys had their moments (& continue to have their moments); my 13-year-old is a handful, often a delightful handful but a handful nonetheless, but combining all three boys doesn’t come close to what it’s been like with my daughter. I’m not good at being her mum a lot of the time & that sucks. I know I’m not a bad mum; I do know that, honestly, but man, I’m really struggling with feeling like a shitty mum right now.

Perth is doing false Spring. Honestly, it feels like it’s barely rained here this winter. I just checked; we’ve had about half the average winter rainfall with one month remaining. It has been cold, but not freezing. Most days I get away with wearing a singlet & one of these Uniqlo tops. It really feels like the first days of spring & the sunny skies are doing wonders for keeping me out of the doldrums.

All I want to do is be in the garden, but it is still too cold to do much out there. I did wander around Bunnings on Monday after work & picked up 6 ground-cover roses, 6 pots of 3 different varieties of daisies, & a few indoor plants, all for about 60% off!!!! None are in bad shape, so I’m not sure why they were discounted, but I plan to get them in the ground over the weekend. I also have 10 80-litre bags of sheep poo being delivered tomorrow, so that will also be weekend Reannon’s job too.

Actually, I also only want to make sourdough. I have fallen completely in love with it again. My camera roll is filled with photos of bread & my bitchy starter bubbling her head off. It makes me SOSOSO happy. And my kids can’t get enough of the bread. Here are a few of the photos.

The false Spring weather is also making me want to reorder parts of my life, a reset of sorts. I love knowing I can reset any time things feel off-kilter. I know my muscles aren’t recovering from exercise because I am not eating well enough, especially when it comes to protein. After all, starchy carbs are what I am reaching for. I find pasta & bread the most comforting foods, along with sugar. While comfort food is very comforting, I am sick of my body not recovering from workouts. Please send easy protein ideas my way!

My reading room is messy. My laundry & linen cupboard are messy. I still haven’t put the games room & spare room in order since we had the floors done in DECEMBER!!!! There’s always washing that needs to be folded or put away. I need to put my environment in order, so I feel a bit more…in control.

I’m aiming to do a low-spend August. I’ve never really done a purposeful low-spend month before, but we have a holiday booked for September, which means no pay (we are both sole traders), which always makes me a little stressed. My plan is no unnecessary buys (no op-shop or Kmart visits!) & once I do a Costco shop this week I want to try & keep grocery spending to an absolute minimum. I stopped tracking my grocery spending back in May & I know it’s gotten a little loosey-goosey. Pulling back on my spending will help me feel a bit more… in control.

Yes, control is a big thing for me. It makes me feel safe. Yes, I speak to my therapist about it all the time lol

OK. It’s passed my self-imposed bedtime (another thing that’s gotten loosey-goosey of late & contributes to me not feeling good). I’m going to read a few pages of Annie Smithers Recipe for a Kinder Life (my reading life is in the bin too) to make my eyes tired & settle my brain. As always, thanks for reading my rambles.

Talk soon xx