Digging Deep

excavating hard truths & figuring out how to live with myself

Hey friends. I told myself that I would only do monthly wrap-ups until my head was straight and my mind clear but honestly, I don’t know if that will ever happen and I wanted to write about some shit I’ve been processing.

I pride myself on being quite self-aware (sometimes too self-aware), but what I'm finding out is that 2025 might be the year I stop lying to myself and maybe, just maybe (a big maybe, a huge maybe!), the year I stop trying to be my very best self. I am working on lowering my stupidly high standards and practising a little self-compassion. I don’t know, I feel like there’s been so much shedding within myself lately, and it’s a bit hard at times, but also good.

This all started when I decided to look at the ways I was putting myself under unnecessary stress and the impact that was having on my body. The stories I tell myself about what I simply MUST do to be a good person, a healthy person, an informed person, a kind and loving person are not true. I really must stop listening to the internet! So I have started letting go of things.

I am no longer actively trying to be “healthy” by measuring my food, my protein, tracking my meals or lifting weights. Trying to do all of that, and I did without a break for 7 months, was stressful, but I kept telling myself it was necessary stress because it was all going to ensure I was my best self. And we all know how much I love to be my best self.

The only thing I am purposely paying attention to healthwise is fibre. Otherwise, I move my body when I want to, and I eat in a way that doesn’t feel pressured and instead feels manageable.

I have been paying attention to my reactions to certain things, and as much as I do not like it about myself, I can now admit that-

1. I am easily influenced, especially by things I see/read/hear online

2. I suffer FOMO and often want things after I have been served a link or someone is sharing something they have bought/done/seen. I also like to be across all things all the time. It makes me feel smart, and I like feeling smart.

3. I don’t trust my judgment. I need someone to validate me before I feel OK with my decisions/thoughts.

4. I am uncomfortable with my thoughts, so I fill my head with external noise (scrolling Insta, podcasts, even audiobooks)

5. I still want to be skinny. I still want to be liked. I still want to be pretty. I am no longer an extrovert. I still think my worth is linked to my productivity.

Urgh, I hate all of that so much. Being truthful with myself that these are my actual feelings has been hard. I didn’t think I was that person. I thought I knew myself nd was making decisions based on my thoughts and tastes. I thought I didn’t care about being out of the loop. I have always thought of myself as frugal and low-maintenance. I thought I was strong and knew how to stand in my convictions. I thought I liked the constant chatter I filled my head with.

And now that I see all of this about myself, some things need to change.

I have to remind myself constantly that what is good for others isn’t always good for me. I need to feel my feelings, even when they hurt or feel ugly. I have to keep saying to myself “ new shoes aren’t the answer” or “just because they have bought X doesn’t mean you need to buy it too”. I can’t be listening to people who aren’t living my life. I need to be better at not feeling guilty for doing things differently. It doesn’t make me wrong or bad if I am not doing all the things people say I should be doing.

Somewhere along the way over the last however many years, I got it in my head that everyone knows better than I do. I believed that the answer was in a purchase, a subscription, a new plan or within a podcast. And look, sometimes the answer is in those places, but not as often as I made myself believe.

Last week, I had a big emotional breakdown. I cried into a WhatsApp message to my dear friend. I texted my husband all the ways he was upsetting me, and when one of my kids tried to place the blame for something on me, I was able to say, “No, this is not on me, it’s on you”. It was a HUGE release. I felt so much better afterwards and was able to head into the weekend calmer and with some kindness towards myself. Days later, when I recounted this conversation with my husband, I was able to say, “ I am a good mum. This situation is not on me.” And that is big.

I will always put myself down, especially when it comes to my parenting, because I think I can always do better, but when I look back on my 25 years of being a mum, I can still see my failures, and now I am starting to see where I’ve done well too. I will continue to think and say I AM A GOOD MUM.

Even though I am now on HRT, I really do think peri and the big drop in estrogen is stripping away all the bullshit. It’s confronting and uncomfortable. It’s also good. I feel like I am getting to know myself again. And even if I have to keep learning the same lessons over and over again, each time it gets easier to implement them.

Some lessons I’ve been relearning-

1. Music always makes you feel better

2. A toastie is a perfect meal any time of day

3. People can’t read your thoughts; you have to speak them to be heard

4. You are not responsible for others’ feelings

5. You can drop the ball, ask for help, rest, and the world does not end

6. You are worthy of love, affection, rest, time out, and respect

I’m sure there’s more. So often I draft these posts in my head, but when I come to type them out, the words and feelings are gone. I’ll leave it at that. Thanks for letting me get it out.

Talk soon xx