All The Things

Do we have to choose one version of ourself at a time? Or can we be messy and flit back and forth between them all?

Photo by Didssph on Unsplash

Hey friends. I wasn’t going to write while I was in Melbourne but it seems after three days my body clock still believes it’s on Perth time so I’m not falling asleep before midnight and not waking up until at least 8am. So here I am, with thoughts to share and questions to ask.

As I mentioned last time I wrote to you, I am dipping my toes back into Instagram. 2025 seems to be the year everyone is leaving socials and I say good for them. I have been trying to manage my relationship with online life for 11 years, frequently deleting accounts and apps only to download them again at some stage, and still do not have the balance sorted it. For now, I am here and on Instagram.

I’m a needy girl. I like validation. I like attention. I like to be seen. But I actually do not like those things about myself. I wish I was not that girl. And that’s where the sharing and consuming content gets me tied in knots.

For now, the knots are loose. I’m leaning into sharing moments, using the capturing as a way of helping me focus on things I haven’t been overly focused on. But there’s that stupid little voice that whispers to me “why even share them? Keep them to yourself” And it’s that voice that tightens knots.

Part of the conundrum is I want to be ALL of girls inside of me.

I want to be the me that is completely offline, happy living her life without anyone knowing what’s happening. I want to know that all my choices and opinions come from me because I consume so little, if anything, of anyone else’s. I want to forget my phone and laptop exist. I want to be happily bored and contentedly using my spare moments in ways that I deem acceptable- reading, creating, present with my people, being IN the world and engaged.

But there’s also the me that wants to chat online, share stupid shit that’s happening in my days, show you my grocery and op-shop hauls. I want to post cute outfits and take you along as I’m living my life.

And I don’t know how to make those two girls coexist!

I’m jealous of the people who aren’t sharing and then I’m inspired by those who are!

I don’t want to be distracted by games on my phone or reel after reel after reel about Formula 1 (that’s the algorithm Instagram is mostly showing me and I bloody LOVE IT! I told Tim today that I should be on a F1 podcast with all my love and knowledge of the sport LOL!) but I also really enjoy playing my silly games and watching the reels!

For the past few weeks I have been saying to Tim “I think I’d like chooks again” even though I constantly say I am weighed down for caring for people. Why would adding MORE things to care for be a good idea?! It’s not right? But I want to be the girl with backyard eggs again.

I let gardening and growing veggies go a few years back because our climate sucks and I was over the disappointment of it all. But lately I’ve been thinking I want to be that version of me again. The one who goes to Bunnings all the time and is excited to watch things grow.

I want to be girl who reads 100 books a year but I’m also the girl who has chosen to play games on her phone instead of read for the last month.

I’m the girl who wants to be strong and who eats well so I age well but I’m also the girl who hates exercise, would rather not cook and live on white carbs. Those things don’t match up!

I want less to do and look after but all the thoughts I have in my head are about adding things to my life that would need me to look after them. I even said to Tim about a month ago “maybe I want to study again” AM I FUCKING MAD!!!! I have barely kept my head above water for the last 18 months and I think the answer is to double my mental load?

Friends, I’ve lost the plot. Is it normal to want to be all of the versions of yourself even when the are oppose each other? I’m forty bloody six, when will the real Reannon please stand-up? Or can all these things be true at the same time? Do I have to be one version of myself at a time or can I be all of them at once?

Talk soon xx

P.S it’s now 11pm so I am not proof reading this. Excuse all the typos and things that don’t make sense.